post # 30: about redemption

This morning something crystalized for me that had until now just been vague ideas. Now they're connected, and I feel like I can say it. I hope it isn't in that category of "too personal."

I am able to look back across the last ten years and see them as a kind of time when I've moved from one unhealthy fixation to the next. From 12 to 15 or so it was mountain biking. I drooled over the catalogues, watched the videos, hung out at the bike shop. Somewhere in there I met the Beatles and grew an unstoppable appetite for their albums, trivia, lives. That brought me into a long period of soaking myself in music in general, in whatever I liked the sound of and could discover. This coincided with a mini-obsession with stereo and computer equipment, and with my own computer, before Napster was shut down, it was trouble. In late high school years I spent literally hours every day in front of my computer plugged into headphones, endlessly downloading and organizing and listening. I had at the same time been learning to play guitar with a similar kind of instant-gratification mindset, and plucked away at the things I could easily learn. Guitar met computer, and my time was consumed with experimentations and fiddling. I didn't have much to record, though, because songwriting was too much work. And all of these chapters in my life, from 13 onward, were connected and soaked though and through with a wildly lustful thought life. There were good and positive things in there, but mostly its nothing to be proud of.

Leaving home for college, finding Jesus on my own, things have changed. In my life now I see a real picture of what redemption is: God has redeemed my interest in music, allowing me to fall in love with the good and to develop healthy appreciation of all kinds, showing me moderation and truth. He has redeemed my guitar hands to bring me and others real joy, and to bring attention to Him in worship. He has pulled me out of the quicksand of lust and is helping me understand what He means by Love. Of my life that was so often defined by fixations, he has helped me learn to fixate on the One deserving worship. "Not that I have already attained it," like Paul says, but thanks be to God for setting my feet on the right path. That's redemption.

So this was my 30th post, according to blogger. Not much for 8 months, but it's fine with me.